Here in San Francisco, we are on day 16 of shelter in place with at least a month to go.
From the Department of Messy
I have been feeling messy for a couple days now. As in, I am an honest for goodness Hot Mess.
It’s becoming quite clear that this whole pandemocalypse thing is really not agreeing with me.
I have noticed the arising of projection and ingratitude, especially as it concerns my teen-age roommates. I have noticed my listless and lazy focus, such that I can barely even watch TV. My “productivity” is greatly reduced and getting lawyer work done at home is very challenging.
I am at once eagerly hopeful for evolution to unfold, and then utterly fatalistic and hopeless for our species.
It’s pretty messy in here.
One of the challenges I face when I am feeling messy is that I tend to hide out. I don’t want to be seen like this, first of all, and I also don’t want to add my downer-ville to someone else’s plate. I get embarrassed by my messiness, and the controlling part of me wants to dismiss it, repress it, and above all, pretend like everything is ok.
Thankfully, I have been working on this a lot in the last ten years of training with The ManKind Project, and in my zen work with Mondo Zen/Hollow Bones Zen Cyber Sangha.
This morning I got up early to sit with the sangha, which is really to say I had been tossing and turning for a couple hours not really sleeping when it was finally time to get up. Indeed, it was a relief to get out of bed and take a hot shower and try my best to Wake Up.
There were about 20 of us on the call, from all over the globe, and after doing our morning service, we read from a book of commentary from Junpo Denis Kelly.
“Are you walking around in a state of receptivity and openness? Are you the embodiment of unreasonable, wise, compassionate, joyful consciousness?
If not, your story needs to change.”
The truth about my messy is that it is closed and unreceptive. It is fearful and projecting. It is reactive and critical. The truth about my messy is that it isolates me, or rather, when I let it tell the story, “I” isolate me.
So today I am choosing a different story.
I am choosing to open, to expand, to trust, to share, and to be vulnerable.
To be sure, I am doing this in my usual messy way, but I am forgiving the mess, accepting that its all part of this process, and finding all the parts of this situation that I CAN agree with.
Like spring flowers, and bird-song, and long walks, and blueberry pancakes, and breathing and love.
As Junpo says:
Zen is training. Zen is discipline. Zen is difficult. Zen is arduous. Zen is stern. Zen is ordinary. Zen is about stopping, remembering, and starting again.
Over and Over.
Here I go again.
Bee well dear friends, and stay connected! There are a ton of MKP Zoom online Igroups happening!!
King Bee, Fire-Tender