From the Department of Wobble
I have been on such a roll the last few months.
I have experienced big personal growth with lots of juicy insights; I have been taking care of my body and it feels good; we got our daughter Anya all set up at college and she is doing great; our son Enzo is thriving and just turned 16; and my wife Alycia and I are in a sweet groove.
If you had talked to me in person, you’d have likely heard me say I have been feeling a flow state, a sense of ease and spaciousness, a trust and faith in myself and our community and our ability to handle all sorts of challenges.
And then I started to feel the wobble.
It started very slightly: a morning when I woke up and felt so tired I could barely get out of bed. Immediately, my internal alarm went off: Uh oh… this feels like depression, this feels like danger.
And, I stayed awake, noticed the sensation, got some extra rest, did my practices and felt much more energetic the next day.
Then I had another morning like that.
Hmmmmm. Something is definitely happening.
Last Monday I could feel fear coming up, specifically the sort I call anxiety, which is where I have this general feeling that something is wrong, that everything is going wrong, that the wheels are coming off the wagon and there is going to be a spectacular crash ANY MOMENT!!!
Yes, I know this flavor of fear very well.
This morning I woke up too early, worrying about work, worrying about money, worrying about Syria, worrying about some people very close to me who are struggling, worrying about going to yoga for goodness sake.
This is Fear.
The good news is that I have been working with this for a long time, and I know this Fear.
I know that it’s a body sensation, where my shoulders get tight, and I scrunch my neck like I am looking at my phone but I am not, and my breathing gets shallow, and even my vision seems affected. I see danger everywhere.
Thankfully, I have learned over the years that there is a wisdom in the wobble.
For example, I am reminded that it’s important to pay attention to what’s arising in front of me, but not too closely.
It’s like skiing in the trees, or mountain biking on single track, or like walking on a curb.
It’s essential that focus my gaze on the place I want to go, not on the place I fear.
I have learned that the wobble is not inevitable and relentless, and not a story with only one ending. In fact, many times I can right myself with self-care and self-love and a gentle coming back to my body, as I discussed in my last post about meditation and failure resilience.
So here I am.
I am feeling afraid, wishing I was still in flow, wishing I could go to Hawaii for a few months and check out, wishing it was all somehow different. I wish so much it was different, that I wouldn’t have to feel this discomfort.
Here I am.
My mission: I heal the world by listening with my whole body, telling the truth, and asking for help.
I am living my mission, and I am feeling fear. In fact, the fear is supporting my mission and giving me a chance to live it fully.
I am working with the wobble, and the wobble is not me, it is an experience I am having at the moment, and there is a wisdom in the wobble, if I choose to listen.
Here I am.
Blessings to you all,
King Bee, Fire-Tender