As I type these words I am sad and grouchy and irritable, and all around extremely uncomfortable.
I just barked at my son for not charging the laptop after he used it. I just spilled coffee beans all over the counter as I was readying the pot for the morning. In the last hour I have cursed under my breath repetitively as if intoning a mantra.
In the old days, I’d numb out: pour myself a three-finger scotch on the rocks. Or perhaps I’d watch television, or give up the day and go to bed early, hoping desperately to feel “better” in the morning.
Tonight I am trying something different; I am going to write about it. Scarcity and Abundance.
When I was mulling it over a few days ago, I expected to write this piece from the perspective of abundance; I planned to share some positive thoughts and some encouraging words. We are in desperate times after all, and the last thing I want to do is be a downer (said the ever-straining people-pleaser in me.)
Instead, I find myself neck-deep in Scarcity.
And it stinks.
Things are not okay in my head right now. I am feeling short on time, money, joy, peace, and way short on hugs and up-close time with my friends.
I wish it was tomorrow, or yesterday, or last year, or next Saturday.
Anywhen but now.
On the other side of the scale, I see things very differently when my internal gauge is pointed to Abundance.
I feel calm and centered, full of love and compassion and light. I feel generous and giving. I find myself grinning broadly at everything. I chuckle to myself with a bemused and forgiving affection for the world. I am fun when I am abundant! It is all good!
The key thing is the Seeing, because my experience of abundance isn’t actually dependent on favorable conditions. Indeed, I have had moments of pandemic life that were quite sublime and delightful. Just this weekend, our family camped out in the Humboldt Redwoods.
Walking in wonder among the massive gigantic tree-beings, I felt calm and safe and happy. And yet, the virus raged on, I still had a ton of work to do when I got home, and pretty much everything else was just the same too.
So perhaps another word for my experience of abundance is acceptance.
When I accept what is happening right now, without condition or judgment, without resistance and struggle, and without irritation and impatience, I feel enough-ness. I know the universe will provide what I need and I am able to relax and breathe easy.
I hugged more than a few gigantic trees this weekend, and each time I received a vivid message: “it’s going to be okay.” These majestic whales of the forest had experienced fires, floods, terrific storms, and plenty of humans. And yet, all arise and fall away, just like the internal storms in my mind/body.
When I could shift perspective, even for a moment, to that of the tree, I could see that conditions may change but the tree holds steady and tall.
It’s not easy, but today I am making a choice to accept that I am having a shitty day. I am having some stormy weather.
Rather than running away from it, I am choosing to lean into the illusion, to taste it, to describe it, and to write about it. To stand tall and steady, like a redwood.
Rather than numb out and wish it was different, I am looking scarcity in the eye, staying present in this discomfort, and taking a long deep breath.
It turns out that I have all the air I need.
Bee well friends and hang in there,
King Bee, Fire-Tender